"I don't know what you did in your past life, but it must have been BAD"

I have bad luck. I know a lot of people think they have bad luck because they don't win contests, or they get speeding tickets or whatever. That is small time bad luck. The kind of bad luck that I have is on a much bigger scale. Don't get me wrong, I don't win contests either, and I get plenty of speeding tickets. But it goes way beyond that. Yesterday was a perfect example.



Maybe you remember last year around this time, when I was all excited about being the word-reader at a spelling bee. Well, yesterday was this year's spelling bee, and Rebekah and I have been excited for months (we're nerds) to be word-readers again. I got off work early (which was kind of a big process in itself), and drove up to Heber, which is about an hour from SLC. Right as I drove into Heber, I called to tell her I was there. Apparently though, minutes before I called her, there was a bomb threat called in to the school district building, saying that a bomb was going to go off in one of the district's schools around 2pm. All of the schools in the district were evacuated at the exact time the spelling bee was supposed to start. I realize this is probably a bigger deal to those poor little spellers who had studied all those words. Or to the thousands of students who were scared of a deadly explosion in their school. But immediately, Rebekah blamed me and my bad luck for making the whole thing happen. That might sound harsh, but in her defense, she has every reason to blame me. Not because I called in the bomb threat (I didn't, I swear), but because history proves that wherever I go, I bring bad luck with me. Here are some examples:

--A few years ago in a scary bus station on the border between Mexico and Belize at about 1am, I tried to use the ATM to get money for the next bus we we had to take. I had run entirely out of money, so it was crucial that I get some cash. I put my card in the machine, and the very second that my finger was about to enter my PIN, the power went out in the entire bus station. About 30 seconds later, the power came back on and I thought "oh good, I can't to lose my ATM card in Mexico"....but the machine had reset itself and there was no way to get my card back. It was stuck in the machine. I had no money for the bus back, or for the rest of the trip (Rebekah saved me, don't worry).

--After the ATM incident, Rebekah and I found ourselves on a scary bus in the middle of nowhere, at 3am. We were the only Americans on the entire bus, and we were both sitting at the very back. Suddenly, our bus came to a stop, and we were surrounded by flashing lights. A Mexican police man came onto the bus, and began shining his flashlight up and down the aisle, looking at each face. He shined his flashlight at Rebekah, and then gave her a little smile. Then he shined it at me, and was really angry for some reason. He just said "passport". So I showed him my passport, and he looked it over very suspiciously. Somewhere during this time, he even gave a little wink to Rebekah (who incidentally has amazingly good luck). Then the police man walked back off the bus and we started moving again. No explanation.

--As I've previously mentioned, I am not a good driver. This is something I have known for a long time. I could list all the accidents I've been in, or tickets I've gotten, but I don't want to stress out my dad, who will read this. Anyway, there was this one span of about 3 years where I didn't get any tickets or any accidents. I was pretty proud of myself. Until one night when I was safely asleep in my bed, with my car parked out on the street in front of my house where it always was parked. Sometime in the middle of the night, someone crashed into the side of my car, and then drove off. It caused a lot of damage that my insurance wouldn't pay to fix, since they didn't know who did it. So basically, even when I'm asleep in my bed, I get in car accidents.


I've got a whole list of other things I was going to mention, but this is getting too long, so I'll stop here. I won't go into the story about that one house I lived in during college, in which there was a freak sewage problem, and we ended up with a closet full of our own waste (true). Or the time that I got pulled over by 5 police cars, because I matched the description of a drive-by-shooting suspect (for real). Or when I got arrested and handcuffed, because someone with my exact same name had a warrant out for her arrest. I even had to pay bail. Or even the time my friend Spencer made up a new card game, trying to test my bad luck. All I had to do was not choose the one card he was holding in his hand, and I would win. I chose the 3 of clubs, which was the exact card (out of the whole deck) that he was holding (I have witnesses). I could go on and on, but I won't. I do however, want to issue a formal apology to everyone (mostly Rebekah) who my bad luck has effected. Just by being near me, you have had to endure strange and upsetting events, and for that I truly apologize.